Skip Greektown and come to Geektown. I just want to cuddle.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
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