you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
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