Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Randomize
