I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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