it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
