theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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