I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
