the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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