Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Randomize
