just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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