Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
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