I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
operation have a gay friend backfired
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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