an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
