Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
