I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
