I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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