How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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