Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
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