Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
