I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
