he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Randomize
