well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
