Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Come on in and take your pants off
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