the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
