I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
