Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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