toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Randomize
