I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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