I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize
