1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
A bitchslap is in order.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
