Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
