Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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