So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
