either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Randomize
