It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
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