I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
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