I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
