that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Randomize
