I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Randomize
