Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
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