Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
