We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Randomize
