i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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