My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
