I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
