Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
