Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
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