I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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