I want to walk on stilts...naked
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
