too bad you live with your parents still
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I have tasted many bathrooms
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
