So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Randomize
